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 well then I got fired. and evicted at the same time. now while i should rant about the total lack of just cause as well as the lack of due process in throwing me out on the street, i think i'll just highlight some of the positive things. the people in the new area of town are attractive, which can not be said about the getto i was in. there are no gunshots in the middle of the night. the photo of the hawk above was taken from the front pourch. i'm no longer the resident red neck, were everywhere. there are three hourses in the back yard which i can play with, although the stallion can be intimidating if he gets pissed. i have found out just how many people are really willing to be there for me when the shit hits the fan. matter of fact someone even held up an umbrella keeping it from being as bad as it could have been. i eat well, still have a roof over my head. i have had a few interviews, and have a few more lined up for early next week. i'm rembering it's not how much money i have but who i am that causes people to like me. i have a tendency to hide when i dont have money. as though somehow this makes me a bad person instead of a piss broke person with alot to offer. while it's hard to be where i am right now alot of times i'm rembering how important it is to truly enjoy the little things, like making a smart ass remark that makes coffee come out your friends nose. and most of all how important it is to not only have great friends, but to be a great friend. some say that if you have just one true friend your luckier than most, well if thats the case i must be the richest man on the planet because i need both hands and then some. now if i could just convince the finance company of how rich i am maybe thell stop calling. if you have read this in it's entirety, i hope you remember how fortunate you are, god knows i do. |
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 so yeah it's christmas eve. big friggen deal. i detest the holidays. right when i need to husstle up about a grand just to keep my appartment, truck, exc. the whole world has to stop and sing happy fucking songs, and max out there credit cards spoiling there kids who have never worked a day in there lives. i hate standing on the edge of oblivion. and even more i thought i had broke free from this vicious cycle. i was doing so good. i know how this happened i just cant beleave it. so yeah i'm sitting here feeling mildly sory for myself. i know i shouldent but i am. worse part is when i'm broke i feel as though i have less value as a person. it's dificult for me to go out of my house because i'm ashamed to be where i'm at. i can't ask for help, and to be honest there isnt anyone i can turn to for help anyway. at least not in the financhal sence. we'll i'm going to feel sory for my self for about fifteen more minuts then i'm going to find a way to make some money. ashamed or not, i will not give up.
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 so the holidays are upon us. I wish i could get in to the spirit but i cant. i guess when the season is to be marked with spending money on those you care about and anyone else for that matter, and you happen to be piss fucking broke it's dificult to be cheery. so the search is on for yet another job. i havent been let go nor did i quit i'm just very tired of wondering how much money i will be able to squeeze out of my boss each week. and seeing checks which have been returned for insufficant funds on my bosses desk, well that scares the crap out of me. everyone knows that you cant just walk in and say i need this job, and get it. so this process takes time. The process of working up a five page proposal for a home theater instalation, also takes time, and the proposal may or may not be accepted. i also have a potental client who wants a proposal for a sound system for a new toyots carolla. designing an acousticly ballenced system is very difficult, given the number of potental combinations of sound reproducing gear avalible and the massive variety of suporting amps crossover networks, head units, wire capasiters and in line filters. also every payment i have is well past due and i'm woried about my ability to feed myself most days. so this whole merry christmas thing....yeah! i have work to do. I must admit though, i have been blessed in a number of ways, at the moment i'm waiting for six quarts of home made turky noodle soup to come to a boil, i do have a ton of skillls and to be asked to submit these proposals really moves the scope of my buisness ventures to a new level. i have finaly come to realize that it's not some technical skill or certian tool i am missing, it's the ability to market my skills to those who pay well for what i have to offer. while this may not seem like a blessing, it is!!! once the probloem has been identified a solution can be designed and implemented. i have wonderfull friends and have had the distinct oppertunity to live through things most could never dream about, good, bad or otherwise. i dont have to be at work for an hour and a half. i'm drimking coffee that didnt come from the circle-k. and as much as i want to curl my self in to a little ball and cry feeling sorry for myself, i just cant. There's something about the way my person is programed that refuses to let me stop trying, even for a moment. i have been acused of being inteligent, handsome, well spoken, and possesing integrity. if those arnt blessings, i dont know what is. P.S. the tree is not mine but i found it beautyfull in it's unorthidoxness. it's a tincle-tree so it appears to be a light green crome. how delightfull!!
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so as i'm trying to conduct an adult conversation with a very good friend, i get a text message from one of my lady friends telling me she cant see me anymore because she wants to be the only woman in my life. this textmessage was four screens long and took three seperate download sessions to recieve. what would you do in this situation? woman interupts a gread conversation to say, you can have me or your other girls. well given my stand point on ultimatums, my response was "ok then bye". it boggles my mind how woman make there mating decisions. a great deal of this process can be atributed to instinct and the primal need to feel secure. but things like modern dating practices can be just a little bit too much sometimes. so at the moment i have an empty slot in my variety pack, any intrested brunets? why must it be so damn easy to feed ones ego and so difficult to feed ones mind or soul? moreover why is it when i'm doing nothing my phone stays silent, yet when i'm doing something thats when everyone and there brother calls me. well i truly hope that the text message lady who tried to break up with me in a text message, even though weve not been a couple in some time finds all the happieness she's looking for. and to those who chose to read this posting, may your heart be filled with joy and wonder as you look ypon the possibilities of the day.
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 depressing isnt it. often times i get down, or a bit depressed about where i think i should be at thirty years old. however given the fact that i live in one of the worst neighborhoods in town, there is a readily availible solution. walk outside and have a smoke. without fail in the short time it takes to remove sevin minuts from my life, several examples of just how bad it can be will present themselvs. such as this woman who tried to bum a smoke from me. she currently turns tricks to support her drug addiction. no matter how bad i'v had it i'v never been beaten for not blowing my drug dealer right. honestly i still complain, proably more than i should, but in the neighborhood i'm in i'm forced to stop and look at my life from an outside perspective. i have one of the nicest pads in the neighborhood, drive one of the flashiest trucks in the hood, work for myself on a good day, work for someone else on other days, and while i struggle to pay my bills, i dont have to beg for anything. many men feel lucky if they can get a date, just one. i feel lucky if i can take a night off and just reflect on the events of the last few weeks, by my self. many of those i have met recently would be lucky if they could keep up with a comversation with the lady who works graveyard shift at the jack in the box drive through, while i get to converse with people who have degrees, contracters, educators, NASA employees, certified geniouses, and many who can speel much better than I. i meet alot of people who are traped by there life, who trudge through every day exactly the same as they did the last day and the day before that. I have a plan, which may chanbge at any minute, but it's still my plan. when i dream, i dream HUGE. there are no boundries to my imagination. i am aware that the only way people get trapped in there life is by giving up, having there spirit broken. and at many points i have been dangeriously close to this beaking point, but i have yet to break. anyway, i digress. i have the ability to look at this miserable creature, and rather than tell her to piss off as i have so many times before, i give her a few dollers to allow me to photograph her. one can only improve there photographic abilities so far by shooting happy things.
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 i have decided to take a night off. i'm not answering my phone, i'm not answering my door, and i refuse to be disturbed. why the momentary anti socal stance. MY ASS IS TIRED!!!!!! i have worked so hard, partied even harder on many nights, i Have maxed out at five hours of continious sleep in the last two months. i have bumps bruses, cuts, scrapes, splinters,calouses, and a headach at the moment. there are pieces of me i cant share with anyone at all, which can be rather upsetting given the unpredictable nature of these pieces. many people pay a great deal of money to enhance there sex apeel. i wonder if they know what there getting themselves into. At least if you utalize your sex apeel. beleave it or not, although you get to spend a great deal of time with wonderfull people there's a part of ones soul that always feels empty and alone. tonight i just want to sit around my house maybe have a glass of wine, and contimplate if living the way i'm living is worth the price i pay. sometimes the risk vs. reward ratio of this lifestyle gets lost in the motion of a socal machine that never sleeps. i want to close my eyes in while soaking in the tub and rember what it was like to look a woman in the eye, breath deeply of her and tell her i love her, knowing she feels the same way, the two have nothing to hide from eachother or anyone else.
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so...where we left off last time, no matter my feelings or thers the words " i love you" can not be uttered. not by them and never by me. many men pray for what i have but i still long for what i can not have. its the lonly cry of the spoiled little rich boy i supose. pwerhaps one day i could sell my memories to penthouse, but untill then i will quest after that one phrase " i love you"
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I SUPPOSE ALL OF MY ADORING FANS ARE WONDERING WHERE I WENT. oh wait i dont have any on this sight. wheewww, that was close, i almost got caught being concieted. any way, where should i start. i think i'm going to be thrown out of school for having a shitty G,P.A. and i quit my job(my boss was a religious prick). i'm dating a woman five years younger and one fourteen years older. this would prove troublesome except they know about eachother and have actualy indulged me in the holy grale so to speak. god its good to be me. i could go on and on but about this but i dfont want to make anyone jelous. the one thing missing is that being who i am and doing as i do oops more latter one of my ladies is here.
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why is it so hard for some people to understand that some point the level of caring dissapears. particulary when the individual in question hass shone repeatedly a complete inability to add to the quality of life of the recipeant of the afore mentioned individual. why must paople hold on so long. moreover, why do these individuals expect us to weepor become irrationaly upset just because they are. fine i hurt her sensitive little heart. i'm not going to cry for her. So as you may have guessed i am single once more. another "relationship" lost and gone. but this has been coming for way too long anyway. weve broken up several times yet keep trying to "fix it". why should we continue to repair a house built on sand. the foundation was never solid. this has been doomed to failier from the begining.  the sun rises the sun sets
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someone told me the other day that to express what we feel for oneanouther was not practical or wise.
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what can i say. my life is pretty good, i guess. i have my issues but i am making due well enough. |
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depressed
scared
content
confused
mischievous